The
long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards
have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow
upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements
from the human gene pool.
Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...
We proudly present the1999 "Natural Selection" awards:
5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who
died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area
while riding down the slope on a foam pad. Twenty two year old
David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow
foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly
of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used
to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed
into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined
the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently
being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened
to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into
his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious
in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain,
who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and
was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man
at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas
who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck)
popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering
an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another
man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying
to explode it," said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He
put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out
and his lips and tongue off," Payne said. Stromyer was
listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial
injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical
vision. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said
an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky
to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony
Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation
into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably
known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass,
Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but
the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had
the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon
Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed
to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would
have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his
friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I
feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but
the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation
stunt is under investigation.
THE WINNERS
Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his
friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington
amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between
them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over
the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the
plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier
than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend
over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over,
he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large
branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree
with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below
him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The
sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocketknife penetrated
his thigh 3 inches.
(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable
pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to
safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving
away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck
into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend
and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver
thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive
internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under
it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum,
a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch
25-feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen, you win
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