(This was emailed to me. It is NOT my story!!!)
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my
story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error.
It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem
but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans
were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between
my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that
I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious
turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down
with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which
required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all
over my rear, especially since I had no wayof seeing what I
was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that
I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet
paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating
this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright
idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So
why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans
will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself.
It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of
other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there
be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day
for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now
has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech.
Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable
razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving
from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of
ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean
the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the
towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to
resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped
the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was
covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled,
satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair.
Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty
purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that
I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted.
For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day,
when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing
two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice
something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack,
and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks
sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going
to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class.
Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry,
but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules
lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class,
my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat
combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to
itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making
its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming
my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the
dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when
I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth
against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly
dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking
it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench
burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius
started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of
festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my
face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting
vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated
aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop
blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It
will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later
on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity,
I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation.
I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum
sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that
slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if
that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone
who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing
in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture
of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It
is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look
out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out
and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure
this constant agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR