|In an effort
to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services,
Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles
of recruit training:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as
seen on the Jenny Jones show.
Marines-rise at 0500, train until
Army-rise at 0600, train until
Navy-rise at 0900, train until
1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast
in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared
by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All
you can eat.
LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours
of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and
Marines-will address all officers
as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members
when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers
as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all
enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers
as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel
shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.
Marines-medals & badges are
awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded
for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed,
and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers
make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals
as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early
in their careers.
Marines-work uniform, to be worn
only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they
do not camouflage you on a ship.
Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your
Air Force-will defeat the purpose
of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and
name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally
tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have
Marines-all Marines shall be considered
riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career
fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying
figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings
Air Force-every recruit will be
trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force
early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.