Captain Grose's Humor pages

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* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots ... I married their king.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply
* IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you’re an a-hole.
* I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
* Jesus paid for our sins...now lets get our money’s worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I’m reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
* Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said “No” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
* Cats... the other white meat.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’...till you can find a rock.
* I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Email -- jdgrose115@polyglut.net
Web -- http://members.tripod.com/~jdgrose115/

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