From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but
we've really come together as a group and I love that! However,
while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care
of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns:-
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise
missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in
our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health
and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've
done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've posted a
sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I
do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your
scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly
wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf.
Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's
all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but,
we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball
games...it's just not cricket. Please do not chant "Ossy
Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time I ride past on the donkey.
Five: Graffiti: Whoever wrote OSAMA F**KS DONKEYS on the
group toilet wall please clean it off...it's a lie anyway, the
donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the
edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the
old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in
future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden....there
is a grey area with donkeys however.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers
in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up
patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad,
Abdul, Akbar, Hammed and Colin.
Love you lots, Group Hug.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my
bed sheets - Cut it out Abdul, it's not funny anymore.