December
1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light
the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday
that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not
this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous
anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange- no gifts
will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too
much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest
to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation
to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to
hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not,
you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill
of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only,
including hydroponics tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have
a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue
to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
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