| Recently
reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
witnesses:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
the voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red
and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in
the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by
the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s
vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That’s the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it,
what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in
the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty
God...”
WITNESS: “I swear by Almighty God.”
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give...”
WITNESS: That’s right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: “Repeat it”.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give...”
WITNESS: “That the evidence that I give.”
CLERK: “Shall be the truth and...”
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth
and...”
WITNESS: I’m not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: “Shall
be the truth and...”
WITNESS: “Shall be the truth and.”
CLERK: Say: “Nothing...”.
WITNESS: Okay.(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don’t say nothing. Say: “Nothing but the
truth...”
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can’t you say: “Nothing but the truth...”?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You’re confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: “Nothing but the truth...”.
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: “Nothing but the truth...”
WITNESS: But I do! That’s just it.
CLERK: You must say: “Nothing but the truth...”
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: “Nothing”,
“But”, “The”, “Truth”.
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I’m just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, (the defendant in this case)?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His “thing”?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”
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