Captain Grose's Humor pages

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Don't Worry, Be Crabby

 

 
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For those times you are in a bad mood, maybe these sayings will fit express your feelings.


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief...

If genius is one- percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend whom messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...you can't wait to throw up.


Email -- jdgrose115@polyglut.net
Web -- http://members.tripod.com/~jdgrose115/

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