1. Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across
the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its
face and growl gently to show your concern.
2. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark.
So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you
protecting their house. Especially late at night while they
are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling
for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night
hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...
3. Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish
immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues.
Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
4. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of
the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes
all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little
pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's
gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive
daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
5. Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always
reserved for the family dog to sleep.
6. The Art Of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere.
It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
7. Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner,
especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food
that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your
sniffing.
8. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans,
so break as much of the house as possible.
9. Going For Walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk
with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your
own lawn.
10. Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new
couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
11. Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball
or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you
don't injure yourself.
12. Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
13. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry...
eat a shoe.
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