Investigators at the Department of State have discovered
the heaviest element known to science. This startling discovery
has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv).
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an
atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 Deputy
neutrons, 75 Assistant neutrons, and 111 Deputy Assistant neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium
is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction
with which it comes into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when
it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has
a normal half-life of approximately two years; it does not decay
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the Deputy neutrons, Assistant neutrons, and Deputy Assistant
neutrons exchange places.
In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase
over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons
inevitably become neutrons forming new isotopes. This characteristic
of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium
is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical