Anything with a hamster involved is funny...
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son
came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with
one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement
on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately
knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought
we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my
wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting
my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya
think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids,
this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here,
too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later. "We don't appear to be making much progress,"
I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted
to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We
drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamster! s do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb,
for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.
and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....
er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...excited?"
my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
into laughter.
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