Captain Grose's Humor pages

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NOT-SO-GREAT QUOTES

 

 
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"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF  YOUR LIFE."
  -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
 
"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR."
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
  -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
 
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER"
  -Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
  -Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
 
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS"
  -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
 
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE"
 -Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
 
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
  -Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
 
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS"
  -Andrew Mathis
 
"HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE"
  -Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins
 
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK"
  -Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
 
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL  SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE"
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON,    BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
  -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
 
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
  -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
 
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
  -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
 
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
  -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
 
"IT'S LIKE DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN."
  -Yogi Berra
 
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE"
  -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
 
"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE."
 Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
 
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
 A congressional candidate in Texas
 
"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY."
  - Richard M. Nixon
 
 "THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP      THE ENVIRONMENT.  THIS IS A GOOD PLANET."
  -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
 
"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN = DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME."
 Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
 
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
  -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
 
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
  -Senator Everett Dirksen
 
"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON."
  -Samuel Goldwyn
 
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD."
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
 
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE  SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
  -John Wayne
 
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
  - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
 
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
  -General William Westmoreland
 
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
 
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
   -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
 
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
  -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle


Email -- jdgrose115@polyglut.net
Web -- http://members.tripod.com/~jdgrose115/

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