"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth.
On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't
blame everything on Satan.'"
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a
bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport
for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23
per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to
be devoured a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where
he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out
a man's genitals through his wallet"
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think
of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,
where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the
Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country?
Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting
that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because
men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."