Actually from the LA Times:
In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But
I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomaszewski
told bemused doctors in the Sever Burns Unit of Salt Lake City
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum,
had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session
had gone seriously wrong. “I pushed a cardboard tube up
his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained.
“As usual, Kiki shouted ‘Armageddon,’ my cue that he’d had enough.
I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so
I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him.”
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described
what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s
hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the
gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket
of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose
from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and
second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
O.K., here’s the top ten things that scared me most in reading
10. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum…” Ouch!
9. “So I peered into the tube…” Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.
I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into
Hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low
self esteem) being shot out of a guy’s anus like Rocky the Flying
Squirrel on Rocky and Bulwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched
out of someone’s anus. I’m just guessing, but I seriously doubt
said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into
Kiki’s “Tunnel of Love.”
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like
pockets of gas up their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit
what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry,
but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving,
pyromaniacs, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing
me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call
me old fashioned, but I can’t imagine looking at a doctor and
saying “Well Doc, it’s like this. See we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube…”
4. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t
this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something
like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top
five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green Earth.
3. People named “Kiki” which is obviously a Polynesian
word for : “Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.”
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people
are those Mormons anyway? I’m starting to get a whole new image
of the Osmond family.