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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!! Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "Could I speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's number and called her.  She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again.  When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.  Next to his number I wrote the word jackass, and put it in my desk drawer.  Every time I had a bad day I'd call him up and yell, "You're a jackass!" and hang up- it always cheered me up.

Then caller ID was introduced and I was disappointed because my fun would come to an end.  So I called his number, heard his voice, and said, "Hi, this is (made up name), I'm in the sales office of the telephone company and I was just wondering if you were familiar with our caller ID program?" He said, "No!" and slammed down the phone.  I quickly called him back and said, "that's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I told you this story is to show you that if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it, call 823-4863!

Keep reading it gets better!

One day I went to the mall and the parking lot was full. Finally I spotted an old lady pulling out of a parking space.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave.  Finally , her car began to move and she started to back out of the space.  I backed up to give her plenty of room.  All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that man, I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.  I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in the world. Then I noticed a for sale sign in the back of his window with a phone number, I wrote it down then found another parking spot.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk and had just gotten off the phone from calling jackass #1 (it's really easy now since I have him on speed dial) and decided to call the new jackass as well.  After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is." he said.

"Can you tell me where I could see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.  It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings." he said.

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're a jackass!" and I slammed the phone down.  After I hung up I added Don's number to the speed dial as well.

For awhile things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had problems I had two jackasses to call.  Then after several months of calling the jackasses it just wasn't as much fun as it used to be.  So I came up with a solution:

First I called Jackass #1.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house with a black Camaro out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better say your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass."

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass!"

"Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now, jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called the police.  I told them that I was at 1802 West 34th street and that I was about to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 news about how the gang war was going down on W. 34th street.  After that I climbed into my car and headed over to W. 34th street to watch the whole thing.  Watching two jackasses kick the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a news helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

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