H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to
our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it
a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real
letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird
and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We
believe the letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax
return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children
or not for years. They are evil & expensive. It's
only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect
over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them
to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where
she can answer people's questions about their returns.
While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper
her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the
vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While
she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of
the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future. May
I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather
good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little close together for normal people.
He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate
him first. In February I was awakened at three in the
morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and
his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His
hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big
deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating
a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal.
Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.
This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,
or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones
a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp
and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one
is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip
in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will
be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools
dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the
other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level
of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.
I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has
her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch
to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with
tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the
entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that
you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college
but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I
still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible
as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4
to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment
on an airplane.
Yours Truly, Bob
Note: The taxpayer in question added this at a later date:
"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
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