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THE TODDLER MIRACLE DIET

 

 
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People are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with most  diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't  get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.   Well, now there's the new "Toddler Miracle Diet".  Over the years you may  have noticed that most two year olds are trim.  The formula to their success  is available to all in this new diet.  You may want to consult your doctor  before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.   Good Luck.

Day One

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.  Eat 2  bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.  Take 1 bite  of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:  Four crayons (any color) and a handful of potato chips, and a glass  of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4  sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime Snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two

Breakfast:  Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink half  bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye/food coloring.

Lunch:  Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog  Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:  Lick an all day lollipop until sticky, take it outside,  drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.  Then  bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner:  A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left  nostril.  Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with spoon.

Day Three

Breakfast:  Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in  hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.  After  breakfast, pick up yesterday's lollipop from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on  the cushion of best chair.

Lunch:  Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites  onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:  Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.  Try to  laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

Final Day

Breakfast:  A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an  olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half cup of sugar.    Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:  Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find  that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:  A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on plate.


Email -- jdgrose115@polyglut.net
Web -- http://members.tripod.com/~jdgrose115/

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