People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to
eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation
(the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their
diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the
new "Toddler Miracle Diet". Over the years you may
have noticed that most two year olds are trim. The formula
to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on
this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.
Good Luck.
Day One
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of
toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using
your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color) and a
handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only,
then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel,
4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime Snack: Throw a piece of toast on the
kitchen floor.
Day Two
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen
floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract
or one vial of vegetable dye/food coloring.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink"
lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all day lollipop
until sticky, take it outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve
and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which
should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape
Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with spoon.
Day Three
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of
syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass
of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's lollipop from rug, lick off fuzz,
put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and
jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of
potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some
punch through your nose, if possible.
Final Day
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste
(any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass
of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half cup of sugar.
Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor
and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish
eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate
milk. Leave meatball on plate.
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