If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But,
if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
appear to realize that you had set it free.......You either married
it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them
down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
make a woman gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and
it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten
my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day
after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock
class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen witch ... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around