I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
a blow job?"
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at
me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old
son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex
right in front of our guest.
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom
and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess,
he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.
They came out so well that I had copies made and included one
with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically,
and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the
photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son,
I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing
but a camera!
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I
think I like playing with men's balls."
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided
to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter
in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were screams of laughter.
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited
my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in
bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback
ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of
the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of
people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts,
uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing
there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then,
no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories
I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up
several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to
the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK
ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"