are actual in-flight quotes:
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
2. On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure
to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
3. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways off this airplane."
4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"
6. After a particularly rough landing during thunder storms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
7. From a Southwest Airlines employee "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 103 to New York.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
to shore and take them with our compliments."
11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop fromthe overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message "Delta
airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it
was the asphalt!"
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day during the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I
am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!!